I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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