My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
