Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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