I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
