you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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