mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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