So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
