Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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