i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
