I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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