i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
