I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
