i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
