you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
