This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
