The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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