from now on my penis is your penis
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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