He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
