I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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