Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
