i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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