Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
