i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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