He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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