It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
