She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
