Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
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