Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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