She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
