I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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