You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
