every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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