I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
