so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh god it's open bar.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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