it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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