you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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