did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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