I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
