I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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