i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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