its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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