The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
