just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day