i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.