have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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