I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
