we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
