I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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