my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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