How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just invented taco cereal.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
