I faked an abortion last night.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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