So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
