If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
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He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
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You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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