i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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