God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
