he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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